i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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