My cat gives me a boner
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
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I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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