I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
