You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
