I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Randomize
