I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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