Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
