shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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