A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
