I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
