I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
