In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Enjoy the penises
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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