If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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