Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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