She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
