when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
