Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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