My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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