the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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