I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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