I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
