I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Randomize
