remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
