i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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