I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
