i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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