mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
