i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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