I intend to get homeless drunk
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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