She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
