i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
