it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
