we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
