i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
