It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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