I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
