stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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