Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Im part way to drunk.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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