You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
