I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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