thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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