your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
