I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
