I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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