Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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