Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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