I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
