The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
