life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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