These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
