I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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