when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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