I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
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I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
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I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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