i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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