Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
