how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
