Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
