my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
