i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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