Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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