Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
