i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Drunk walkin through police station. America
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
